Laughter

I remember a time when I didn't laugh. I didn't feel, I was numb, it was survival. Smiling felt strained and awkward, fake. I regained my smile, and my laughter, I feel again.
That sucks.
It is a double edge sword, feeling the joy means feeling the pain. I don't want to feel the pain. How do I shut it off without losing my laughter? I have to choose, pain AND joy or numb? I do not want to be numb again. I will embrace the pain in order to enjoy the laughter. fair trade.
I guess.

Nothing

I once again find myself contemplating my nothingness. I recognize that I am nothing, and that realization hurts. It is not all bad, of course, understanding the atonement is impossible without an understanding of this. Without the humility to see your own dependence you can not fully understand the sacrifice and the gifts that were brought about by the atonement. I am human, and therefore, I need. I need to trust and rely on the Lord, I can not make it alone. That is not a statement of low self esteem, that is a fact. Sadly, this need also enters into a realm that it is not quite so simple. While God is a constant, reliable, and consistent, humans are not. That is where the hurt comes in. Realizing your nothingness in relation to God is safe, it is comforting, it is uplifting. Feeling like nothing to yourself, or to someone you love, that is not safe, or comforting, or uplifting in any way. I realize that I have to find my value within myself and not allow my perception of how others view me diminish that value. This has been my struggle for so long, and I still find myself coming back to it. I need to find my worth, stand strong, and not be shaken by anyone.

John 4:18
There is no fear in love, but perfect love casteth out fear; because fear hath torment. He that feareth is not made perfect in love.

Reminder

Be true to You. Remember who you are, remember who you want to be. Act accordingly.
What people think about you changes nothing. Their perceptions are their problems and should stay that way. Do not let the opinions of others knock you off course. Be true to yourself, stick to your goals, follow your chosen path, and be proud of yourself and your accomplishments.

Prayer

'Prayer can solve more problems, alleviate more suffering, prevent more transgression, and bring about a great peace and contentment in the human soul than can be obtained in any other way."
Thomas S. Monson

Become who you are

That is my school's motto, or catch phrase, whatever you want to call it. Either way I love it. The past two years I have attended Carroll Community have been monumental years for me in becoming who I am. As I prepare to graduate I can't help but think of how far I have come since I attended my first class at CCC. So much has changed. My first class I had to tell my teacher that my cell phone stays on, my children need to be able to reach me. They would call me crying and afraid and I'd have to console them as best I could, or race home. We lived in fear, every day, the emotional torture was severe. Now, we are free. My children have peace in their home.
When I first started I didn't know if I could make it. I was unsure, scared, I felt unequal to the task at hand. I was determined, however, to find my strength, to find myself. I was determined to stand on my own, become my own person, and show my children an example they, and I, could be proud of.
A lot changed for us in the years I attended CCC. I not only accomplished my educational goals, I found my strength. I found my independence. I found that there was more to me than I realized, that I could do whatever I set my mind to. I feel as though I didn't just become who I am, but I opened the door for myself to be more than I thought I was. From here I will keep moving forward. I will continue to grow and realize my potential. I won't let anyone take that potential from me again.

I deserve

I deserve happiness
I deserve kindness
I deserve tenderness
I deserve attention
I deserve consideration
I deserve to live without fear
I deserve control of my own life
I deserve peace
I deserve joy
I deserve to be loved

and so do you.

Somebody loves me

A mother is there to stand up for her children and be there though thick and thin! I can understand that, because my mother has given me such a great example and I've already seen her go though a ton of crap but she was ALWAYS there for ALL of her kids and I know that she has had a lot of tears and worry but I also know that her children love her and would do ANYTHING for her. In the dictionary the word mom means a close relation being a source of protection. That is what my MOM is.

(written by Tai)