Laughter

I remember a time when I didn't laugh. I didn't feel, I was numb, it was survival. Smiling felt strained and awkward, fake. I regained my smile, and my laughter, I feel again.
That sucks.
It is a double edge sword, feeling the joy means feeling the pain. I don't want to feel the pain. How do I shut it off without losing my laughter? I have to choose, pain AND joy or numb? I do not want to be numb again. I will embrace the pain in order to enjoy the laughter. fair trade.
I guess.

Nothing

I once again find myself contemplating my nothingness. I recognize that I am nothing, and that realization hurts. It is not all bad, of course, understanding the atonement is impossible without an understanding of this. Without the humility to see your own dependence you can not fully understand the sacrifice and the gifts that were brought about by the atonement. I am human, and therefore, I need. I need to trust and rely on the Lord, I can not make it alone. That is not a statement of low self esteem, that is a fact. Sadly, this need also enters into a realm that it is not quite so simple. While God is a constant, reliable, and consistent, humans are not. That is where the hurt comes in. Realizing your nothingness in relation to God is safe, it is comforting, it is uplifting. Feeling like nothing to yourself, or to someone you love, that is not safe, or comforting, or uplifting in any way. I realize that I have to find my value within myself and not allow my perception of how others view me diminish that value. This has been my struggle for so long, and I still find myself coming back to it. I need to find my worth, stand strong, and not be shaken by anyone.

John 4:18
There is no fear in love, but perfect love casteth out fear; because fear hath torment. He that feareth is not made perfect in love.