Laughter

I remember a time when I didn't laugh. I didn't feel, I was numb, it was survival. Smiling felt strained and awkward, fake. I regained my smile, and my laughter, I feel again.
That sucks.
It is a double edge sword, feeling the joy means feeling the pain. I don't want to feel the pain. How do I shut it off without losing my laughter? I have to choose, pain AND joy or numb? I do not want to be numb again. I will embrace the pain in order to enjoy the laughter. fair trade.
I guess.

Nothing

I once again find myself contemplating my nothingness. I recognize that I am nothing, and that realization hurts. It is not all bad, of course, understanding the atonement is impossible without an understanding of this. Without the humility to see your own dependence you can not fully understand the sacrifice and the gifts that were brought about by the atonement. I am human, and therefore, I need. I need to trust and rely on the Lord, I can not make it alone. That is not a statement of low self esteem, that is a fact. Sadly, this need also enters into a realm that it is not quite so simple. While God is a constant, reliable, and consistent, humans are not. That is where the hurt comes in. Realizing your nothingness in relation to God is safe, it is comforting, it is uplifting. Feeling like nothing to yourself, or to someone you love, that is not safe, or comforting, or uplifting in any way. I realize that I have to find my value within myself and not allow my perception of how others view me diminish that value. This has been my struggle for so long, and I still find myself coming back to it. I need to find my worth, stand strong, and not be shaken by anyone.

John 4:18
There is no fear in love, but perfect love casteth out fear; because fear hath torment. He that feareth is not made perfect in love.

Reminder

Be true to You. Remember who you are, remember who you want to be. Act accordingly.
What people think about you changes nothing. Their perceptions are their problems and should stay that way. Do not let the opinions of others knock you off course. Be true to yourself, stick to your goals, follow your chosen path, and be proud of yourself and your accomplishments.

Prayer

'Prayer can solve more problems, alleviate more suffering, prevent more transgression, and bring about a great peace and contentment in the human soul than can be obtained in any other way."
Thomas S. Monson

Become who you are

That is my school's motto, or catch phrase, whatever you want to call it. Either way I love it. The past two years I have attended Carroll Community have been monumental years for me in becoming who I am. As I prepare to graduate I can't help but think of how far I have come since I attended my first class at CCC. So much has changed. My first class I had to tell my teacher that my cell phone stays on, my children need to be able to reach me. They would call me crying and afraid and I'd have to console them as best I could, or race home. We lived in fear, every day, the emotional torture was severe. Now, we are free. My children have peace in their home.
When I first started I didn't know if I could make it. I was unsure, scared, I felt unequal to the task at hand. I was determined, however, to find my strength, to find myself. I was determined to stand on my own, become my own person, and show my children an example they, and I, could be proud of.
A lot changed for us in the years I attended CCC. I not only accomplished my educational goals, I found my strength. I found my independence. I found that there was more to me than I realized, that I could do whatever I set my mind to. I feel as though I didn't just become who I am, but I opened the door for myself to be more than I thought I was. From here I will keep moving forward. I will continue to grow and realize my potential. I won't let anyone take that potential from me again.

I deserve

I deserve happiness
I deserve kindness
I deserve tenderness
I deserve attention
I deserve consideration
I deserve to live without fear
I deserve control of my own life
I deserve peace
I deserve joy
I deserve to be loved

and so do you.

Somebody loves me

A mother is there to stand up for her children and be there though thick and thin! I can understand that, because my mother has given me such a great example and I've already seen her go though a ton of crap but she was ALWAYS there for ALL of her kids and I know that she has had a lot of tears and worry but I also know that her children love her and would do ANYTHING for her. In the dictionary the word mom means a close relation being a source of protection. That is what my MOM is.

(written by Tai)

So close

One more semester down, one more to go!

Still rocking the 4.0 gpa.

Trying not to be ashamed about being proud of myself.

particularly into the lives of your children

My dear friends of the Relief Society, whatever your circumstances, wherever you may live, may the windows of heaven be opened and blessings come down upon you. May you live with love one for another. May you reach down to lift up those whose burdens are heavy. May you bring light and beauty to the world and particularly into your homes and into the lives of your children.
~Gordon B Hinkley

Heber J. Grant quote:

"If you persist in doing that which is difficult, it becomes easier not because the nature of the task has changed, but because your ability to do has increased."

2 more down, so many to go...

Term GPA
4.000

SOC-101-99
Introduction to Sociology
A
3.00


PHIL-101-75
Introduction to Philosophy
A
3.00

Alone

It is a sad feeling, being alone.

You can do it.

Cumulative GPA 4.000
Total Grade Points 80.00
Total Earned Credits 20.00

PSYC-101 General Psychology
3.00 credits
final grade: A

BIOL-101 Fundamentals of Biology 1
4.00 credits
final grade: A

PSYC-210 Human Dev Through Life Span
3.00 credits
final grade: A

MAT-099 Intermediate Algebra
3.00 credits
final grade: A

BIOL-210 Human Anatomy & Physiology 1
4.00 credits
final grade: A

ECE-101 Child Growth and Development
3.00 credits
final grade: A

Reminder to me: You are capable, you can do this. One day at a time.

A lesson from Ephesians

Let no corrupt communication proceed out of your mouth, but that which is good to the use of edifying, that it may minister grace unto the hearers.


Let all bitterness, and wrath, and anger, and clamour, and evil speaking, be put away from you, with all malice:

And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ’s sake hath forgiven you.

verbal abuse, emotional torture

How do you define it?
How can you quantify it into a single incident?
How can you explain the impact of it when by its nature it is covert, insidious, and subtle?
It is more than one incident. It is the accumulation of events, comments, looks, threats, glares, insults, curses, thoughts, feelings, attitudes…
It is being told you are nothing so often you start to believe it.
It is having your heart and soul torn apart piece by piece.
It is feeling so lost and so empty that you wonder how you continue to exist.
It is waking up in the middle of the night with your blood running cold, your heart in your throat, hyperventilating as you hear his words repeat in your head. “Bitch…you are a worthless heap of shit…inept…a disappointment…”
It is feeling the knot in the pit of your stomach as you see again the gleam in his eye and the smile on his face as he takes pleasure in verbally reducing you to nothing.
It is like being a puppet on a string. You are not in control, he can pull the strings and make you jump and dance, or he can drop them and make you fall. You are not even human.
It is feeling paralyzing anxiety over every decision you have to make, fearing his reaction, knowing that whichever way you turn you will be wrong. You can never do anything right. You can never be good enough.
It is having your intentions, thoughts, and actions twisted and turned against you.
It is being accused without the ability to defend yourself.
It is being deliberately misunderstood and not allowed to explain.
It is having lies told about you, and believed.
It is wondering why you keep trying so hard to do the right thing, and be a decent person when no one seems to care anyway.
It is being hated with such intensity that you can physically feel it.
It is wondering what you ever did to deserve such hatred.
It is feeling burned to the core by it.
It is feeling isolated. Some people don’t want to know you so they believe the lies and hate you for them. Other people don’t want to be involved. Others are afraid of the anger they have seen and choose to stay away. Still others are forced away.
It is knowing that you are trapped. That you will never be free unless he lets you go. And he never will.
It is wondering how you will spend the rest of your life like this.
It is knowing that you will never thrive; you can only survive one day at a time.
It is watching your children suffer and not being able to save them.
It is knowing that there is no help. There is more concern given for the outer husk of a person than for the person itself. You can be utterly destroyed, have your heart broken, your esteem shattered, and your soul pummeled, as long as there are no visible wounds.
It is trying to quiet the voice that says, “You are something, you are special” because it is easier to believe you are nothing.
It is not defending yourself because you do not feel you are worth it.
It is hiding and trying not to be noticed.
It is trying to stay out of the line of fire, but never succeeding.
It is shutting off the pain so it does not consume you.
It is never crying, but never laughing either.
It is not really living, it is existing.
It is the loss of hope.
It is dehumanizing.
It is degrading.
It is the destruction of your soul.

Words to Live by

by St. Francis of Assisi

Lord, make me an instrument of thy peace;
Where there is hatred, let me sow love;
Where there is injury, pardon;
Where there is doubt, faith;
Where there is despair, hope;
Where there is darkness, light;
And where there is sadness, joy.
O Divine Master, grant me that I may not so much seek
To be consoled as to console;
To be understood as to understand;
To be loved as to love.

So True.

One Flaw In Women (author unknown)
Women have strengths that amaze men. They bear hardships and they carry burdens, but they hold happiness, love and joy. They smile when they want to scream. They sing when they want to cry. They cry when they are happy and laugh when they are nervous. They fight for what they believe in. They stand up to injustice. They don't take "no" for an answer when they believe there is a better solution. They go without so their family can have. They go to the doctor with a frightened friend. They love unconditionally. They cry when their children excel and cheer when their friends get awards. They are happy when they hear about a birth or a wedding. Their hearts break when a friend dies. They grieve at the loss of a family member, yet they are strong when they think there is no strength left. They know that a hug and a kiss can heal a broken heart. Women come in all shapes, sizes and colors. They'll drive, fly, walk, run or e-mail you to show how much they care about you. The heart of a woman is what makes the world keep turning. They bring joy, hope and love. They have the compassion and ideas. They give moral support to their family and friends. Women have vital things to say and everything to give. HOWEVER, IF THERE IS ONE FLAW IN WOMEN, IT IS THAT THEY FORGET THEIR WORTH.

Solitude

Solitude.
Peace.
Quiet.

I hate it.

Give me the happy chaos of a full house any day!

Our Deepest Fear

Our Deepest Fear
by Marianne Williamson from A Return To Love: Reflections on the Principles of A Course in Miracles
“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

Odd

I don't understand how it is that a person who tries so hard to please, conform, accomodate, and just generally stay out of trouble continually finds herself deep in it.
*sigh*