How do you define it?
How can you quantify it into a single incident?
How can you explain the impact of it when by its nature it is covert, insidious, and subtle?
It is more than one incident. It is the accumulation of events, comments, looks, threats, glares, insults, curses, thoughts, feelings, attitudes…
It is being told you are nothing so often you start to believe it.
It is having your heart and soul torn apart piece by piece.
It is feeling so lost and so empty that you wonder how you continue to exist.
It is waking up in the middle of the night with your blood running cold, your heart in your throat, hyperventilating as you hear his words repeat in your head. “Bitch…you are a worthless heap of shit…inept…a disappointment…”
It is feeling the knot in the pit of your stomach as you see again the gleam in his eye and the smile on his face as he takes pleasure in verbally reducing you to nothing.
It is like being a puppet on a string. You are not in control, he can pull the strings and make you jump and dance, or he can drop them and make you fall. You are not even human.
It is feeling paralyzing anxiety over every decision you have to make, fearing his reaction, knowing that whichever way you turn you will be wrong. You can never do anything right. You can never be good enough.
It is having your intentions, thoughts, and actions twisted and turned against you.
It is being accused without the ability to defend yourself.
It is being deliberately misunderstood and not allowed to explain.
It is having lies told about you, and believed.
It is wondering why you keep trying so hard to do the right thing, and be a decent person when no one seems to care anyway.
It is being hated with such intensity that you can physically feel it.
It is wondering what you ever did to deserve such hatred.
It is feeling burned to the core by it.
It is feeling isolated. Some people don’t want to know you so they believe the lies and hate you for them. Other people don’t want to be involved. Others are afraid of the anger they have seen and choose to stay away. Still others are forced away.
It is knowing that you are trapped. That you will never be free unless he lets you go. And he never will.
It is wondering how you will spend the rest of your life like this.
It is knowing that you will never thrive; you can only survive one day at a time.
It is watching your children suffer and not being able to save them.
It is knowing that there is no help. There is more concern given for the outer husk of a person than for the person itself. You can be utterly destroyed, have your heart broken, your esteem shattered, and your soul pummeled, as long as there are no visible wounds.
It is trying to quiet the voice that says, “You are something, you are special” because it is easier to believe you are nothing.
It is not defending yourself because you do not feel you are worth it.
It is hiding and trying not to be noticed.
It is trying to stay out of the line of fire, but never succeeding.
It is shutting off the pain so it does not consume you.
It is never crying, but never laughing either.
It is not really living, it is existing.
It is the loss of hope.
It is dehumanizing.
It is degrading.
It is the destruction of your soul.
Friday, March 16, 2007
Wednesday, March 7, 2007
Words to Live by
by St. Francis of Assisi
Lord, make me an instrument of thy peace;
Where there is hatred, let me sow love;
Where there is injury, pardon;
Where there is doubt, faith;
Where there is despair, hope;
Where there is darkness, light;
And where there is sadness, joy.
O Divine Master, grant me that I may not so much seek
To be consoled as to console;
To be understood as to understand;
To be loved as to love.
Lord, make me an instrument of thy peace;
Where there is hatred, let me sow love;
Where there is injury, pardon;
Where there is doubt, faith;
Where there is despair, hope;
Where there is darkness, light;
And where there is sadness, joy.
O Divine Master, grant me that I may not so much seek
To be consoled as to console;
To be understood as to understand;
To be loved as to love.
Friday, February 9, 2007
So True.
One Flaw In Women (author unknown)
Women have strengths that amaze men. They bear hardships and they carry burdens, but they hold happiness, love and joy. They smile when they want to scream. They sing when they want to cry. They cry when they are happy and laugh when they are nervous. They fight for what they believe in. They stand up to injustice. They don't take "no" for an answer when they believe there is a better solution. They go without so their family can have. They go to the doctor with a frightened friend. They love unconditionally. They cry when their children excel and cheer when their friends get awards. They are happy when they hear about a birth or a wedding. Their hearts break when a friend dies. They grieve at the loss of a family member, yet they are strong when they think there is no strength left. They know that a hug and a kiss can heal a broken heart. Women come in all shapes, sizes and colors. They'll drive, fly, walk, run or e-mail you to show how much they care about you. The heart of a woman is what makes the world keep turning. They bring joy, hope and love. They have the compassion and ideas. They give moral support to their family and friends. Women have vital things to say and everything to give. HOWEVER, IF THERE IS ONE FLAW IN WOMEN, IT IS THAT THEY FORGET THEIR WORTH.
Women have strengths that amaze men. They bear hardships and they carry burdens, but they hold happiness, love and joy. They smile when they want to scream. They sing when they want to cry. They cry when they are happy and laugh when they are nervous. They fight for what they believe in. They stand up to injustice. They don't take "no" for an answer when they believe there is a better solution. They go without so their family can have. They go to the doctor with a frightened friend. They love unconditionally. They cry when their children excel and cheer when their friends get awards. They are happy when they hear about a birth or a wedding. Their hearts break when a friend dies. They grieve at the loss of a family member, yet they are strong when they think there is no strength left. They know that a hug and a kiss can heal a broken heart. Women come in all shapes, sizes and colors. They'll drive, fly, walk, run or e-mail you to show how much they care about you. The heart of a woman is what makes the world keep turning. They bring joy, hope and love. They have the compassion and ideas. They give moral support to their family and friends. Women have vital things to say and everything to give. HOWEVER, IF THERE IS ONE FLAW IN WOMEN, IT IS THAT THEY FORGET THEIR WORTH.
Sunday, January 28, 2007
Wednesday, January 24, 2007
Our Deepest Fear
Our Deepest Fear
by Marianne Williamson from A Return To Love: Reflections on the Principles of A Course in Miracles
“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”
by Marianne Williamson from A Return To Love: Reflections on the Principles of A Course in Miracles
“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”
Sunday, December 24, 2006
Odd
I don't understand how it is that a person who tries so hard to please, conform, accomodate, and just generally stay out of trouble continually finds herself deep in it.
*sigh*
*sigh*
Wednesday, December 20, 2006
The truth shall set you free
Ever heard that saying? The truth shall set you free... I wonder what the person who said that was thinking about, what that statement meant to them. Because I have found that the truth does in fact set you free, free from family and friends that is. I am pretty sure that is not what whoever said that had in mind. People dont always want to know the truth. They will do anything to hide from it. They will betray those they love, hide themselves away in denial, become cowards living a false life. They refuse to accept the truth, perhaps because they then would be responsible. Responsible to stand up and do something. Responsible to make a choice and live with the consequences. Responsible to make a change.
When you have the truth, know the truth, and speak the truth there is no need for self-defense. There is no need to defend or prove yourself because it doesn't matter who accepts it and who doesn't, it is still The Truth.
When you have the truth, know the truth, and speak the truth there is no need for self-defense. There is no need to defend or prove yourself because it doesn't matter who accepts it and who doesn't, it is still The Truth.
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